If I'm Honest, I Don't Agree With Jesus.

That's a bold statement if I've ever written one. That I don't agree with Jesus? What am I thinking? Isn't he my Savior and the Lord of my life? Well, yes, of course. But recently I have been grappling with the concept of whether or not I actually agree with, and want to follow, all that Jesus said and did through scripture.

These thoughts somewhat began with Andrew and I watching a clip from a 2010 "The Colbert Report" regarding the poor and Christmas. Now, while I do not even pretend to agree with all that is said in this clip, towards the end of it he says something that cut me to my heart. I laughed, but days later I am still sitting in the pain of how true his statement was:

"If we are going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge the fact that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then it meant that we just don't want to do it."

I want to scoff at it and roll my eyes at how political the clip makes Jesus. I don't care for discussions regarding what political candidate Jesus would have voted for, and I initially wanted to dismiss this for what it was - political humor. But I fully believe that whether Colbert intended to or not, God used his words to reveal a hidden section of my heart and my unbelief in Jesus that I never wanted to look at.

I don't want to look at it, because when I look at it I have to look Jesus in the eyes and honestly say that I don't agree with what he is asking me to do. Bluntly stated: I don't want to. Caring for and loving on people who don't deserve it feels tortuous. I want to love those who love me and spout gossip and lies and bitter judgement on those people who hurt, mock, and abuse me. I want to keep my possessions, my security, my comfort and my family. I don't want to be asked to give up anything that I believe is "rightfully mine".

Am I the only one?

We don't talk about the parts of scripture that seem too difficult and too "out there", we just end up not doing them. But, just because we don't speak honestly about what we are struggling to walk out doesn't mean that God doesn't know intimately the unbelief and the hardness of our hearts. I read verses like Matthew 15:8 - "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me", and want to quickly pass over it, to name a few names in my head of people who fit this description and shake my head in disapproval of their sins. I point the finger quickly to others who live hypocritically in my eyes, but am desperate for no one to find out how hypocritical I really am.

So what's the point? Where do I go from here? It's easy to write a blog about how terrible saying Jesus is wrong and ridiculously demanding, but hard to actually admit to him that I am in sin. That it's not Jesus or the Bible that need to change, but my hardened and selfish heart. And, although I wan to think that I can do that myself, there is no way I could white knuckle it enough to change on my own.

I so desperately need Jesus.

I need him to forgive my unbelief and strengthen my faith to fully believe what he says is good and true and holy. Even if that means I need to give up comfort, entitlement or safety. I need him to wash me clean from my self-righteous hypocrisy that threatens to swallow me whole. To mold my heart to deeply desire to love my enemies and to do good to those who hate me (Luke 6:27). I want my initial reaction to being hurt to be forgiveness and not bitterness, that I have eyes to see the poor and needy around me as Jesus sees them, and not as society does. I need to be transformed.

A friend of mine described repentance recently in a way that really resonated with me. That repentance isn't just changing or confessing sin. It's literally turning our back on sin and Satan and turning to face the Lord. However silly it may sound, I am so grateful that the Lord showed me through political satire the depth of sin that I have held in secret for so long. I don't have the strength to change, but I fully believe the Holy Spirit will do a change in me, and I am excited to see what that looks like.

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria