Breaking Point

I hate to be writing this. My mind is yelling that I'm being dumb and a quitter and yet again I have failed and should give up. But I know that is not true.

What is true is that I am a daughter of God the Most High.

I have been saved and redeemed fully and completely by the precious blood of my Savior and ransomed by his death on a cross.

I have been blessed with not only salvation and a relationship with God, fully restored, but also a husband who is truly my best friend, and a son who daily reminds me of child like faith and wonder and my desperate need for grace and forgiveness.

I don't need to maintain a blog to be OK.

I don't need to continue a once a month book review because I said I wanted to in January.

I don't need to bear the weight of disappointment and shame that I have as I write this, thinking that it isn't even March and I have failed.

I don't need to because am free.

Paul says in Galatians 5:1 -

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

I am free to stop blogging tonight. And then start again tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Or never again.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to enjoy the freedom Christ has purchased for me and marvel at my son walking around the house (yes he is officially walking!). I am going to read random books for the library book club and try to make connections with the members. I am going to worship God through my everyday battles with OCD and write whenever the Spirit leads and not when I feel guilty or as though I have to.

I am scared to death of this freedom but also so, so excited :)

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria

If I'm Honest, I Don't Agree With Jesus.

That's a bold statement if I've ever written one. That I don't agree with Jesus? What am I thinking? Isn't he my Savior and the Lord of my life? Well, yes, of course. But recently I have been grappling with the concept of whether or not I actually agree with, and want to follow, all that Jesus said and did through scripture.

These thoughts somewhat began with Andrew and I watching a clip from a 2010 "The Colbert Report" regarding the poor and Christmas. Now, while I do not even pretend to agree with all that is said in this clip, towards the end of it he says something that cut me to my heart. I laughed, but days later I am still sitting in the pain of how true his statement was:

"If we are going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge the fact that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then it meant that we just don't want to do it."

I want to scoff at it and roll my eyes at how political the clip makes Jesus. I don't care for discussions regarding what political candidate Jesus would have voted for, and I initially wanted to dismiss this for what it was - political humor. But I fully believe that whether Colbert intended to or not, God used his words to reveal a hidden section of my heart and my unbelief in Jesus that I never wanted to look at.

I don't want to look at it, because when I look at it I have to look Jesus in the eyes and honestly say that I don't agree with what he is asking me to do. Bluntly stated: I don't want to. Caring for and loving on people who don't deserve it feels tortuous. I want to love those who love me and spout gossip and lies and bitter judgement on those people who hurt, mock, and abuse me. I want to keep my possessions, my security, my comfort and my family. I don't want to be asked to give up anything that I believe is "rightfully mine".

Am I the only one?

We don't talk about the parts of scripture that seem too difficult and too "out there", we just end up not doing them. But, just because we don't speak honestly about what we are struggling to walk out doesn't mean that God doesn't know intimately the unbelief and the hardness of our hearts. I read verses like Matthew 15:8 - "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me", and want to quickly pass over it, to name a few names in my head of people who fit this description and shake my head in disapproval of their sins. I point the finger quickly to others who live hypocritically in my eyes, but am desperate for no one to find out how hypocritical I really am.

So what's the point? Where do I go from here? It's easy to write a blog about how terrible saying Jesus is wrong and ridiculously demanding, but hard to actually admit to him that I am in sin. That it's not Jesus or the Bible that need to change, but my hardened and selfish heart. And, although I wan to think that I can do that myself, there is no way I could white knuckle it enough to change on my own.

I so desperately need Jesus.

I need him to forgive my unbelief and strengthen my faith to fully believe what he says is good and true and holy. Even if that means I need to give up comfort, entitlement or safety. I need him to wash me clean from my self-righteous hypocrisy that threatens to swallow me whole. To mold my heart to deeply desire to love my enemies and to do good to those who hate me (Luke 6:27). I want my initial reaction to being hurt to be forgiveness and not bitterness, that I have eyes to see the poor and needy around me as Jesus sees them, and not as society does. I need to be transformed.

A friend of mine described repentance recently in a way that really resonated with me. That repentance isn't just changing or confessing sin. It's literally turning our back on sin and Satan and turning to face the Lord. However silly it may sound, I am so grateful that the Lord showed me through political satire the depth of sin that I have held in secret for so long. I don't have the strength to change, but I fully believe the Holy Spirit will do a change in me, and I am excited to see what that looks like.

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria 

January Book Review: One Thousand Gifts

For the month of January, I chose the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp for a few main reasons. The first of which is that I had received this book from a dear friend of mine months prior, and after reading the first chapter I put it down. I'll explain - I have loved Voskamp's style of writing for quite some time (her blog aholyexperience.com is incredible), but it is often so beautifully depressing that I feel as though I cannot separate myself from it. For those who have not read the book, I won't ruin any details, but the first chapter or two are difficult to read. Her pain pulled my heart into the book and my soul itself felt as though it ached right along with her. Just as with her blog, this soul-ache pushed me to desperately want to know what the Lord was teaching her through thankfulness. Instead of putting it down and sitting in the depression as I did months ago, this month I moved forward and am so glad I did!

In all honesty, I want to write a exquisite book review about "One Thousand Gifts" but I know I simply cannot. Actually, that was something that the Lord has shown me through this past month reading the book - I don't always have to know exactly what to say or write. Sometimes I can post that it was a great book and I highly recommend it, without feeling burdened to write more and guilty that I am publishing a dull or lifeless post.

What I can say is that God used Voskamp's story of her search for grace in the everyday trials to remind me to slow down. All too often I find myself rushing to get to the next thing, straining to complete my lists, and in the process missing out on so much. I by no means have changed a great deal in this area of my life, but God has blessed me with several incredible opportunities that seemed to jump out at me and say "This is it! A grace moment! Savor it and worship your Savior in it!". One of these times was last week when I was watching Owen play with his Lego blocks. Typically when he is happily entertaining himself I begin to do other things, but for some reason, I decided to just sit and watch him. I am so grateful that I did. Slowing down enough to really take in his movements and expressions while he stacked the Legos together one-by-one brought me so much joy. It was such a small moment, but one that will stay with me for years. A moment that God used to remind me that finding joy and grace in the everyday routine means sitting at His feet and actually stopping long enough to thank Him for the gifts I have.

I also really enjoyed how Voskamp described learning thankfulness versus just being thankful. I had often struggled with not understanding why I wasn't thankful and why I just couldn't muster up enough thanks to make a difference, but her explanation of Philippians 4:11,12 struck me. Paul didn't merely give thanks in all circumstances, he learned how to be thankful in every circumstance. My prayer from that point forward was that the Lord would teach me how to be thankful, and I believe He has indeed began this work in my heart.

My biggest take away from this book was the gifts journal. I am a big proponent of journaling and have my journal with me nearly wherever I am. From reading this book, I have begun my own list of blessings, and although I am not close to 1,000 I am finding a lot of joy and excitement in slowing down and looking for more reasons to thank and praise God each day.

How about you? Have you read this book? If so, what did you think about it? If not, are you planning to?

Excited to continue this journey with you all! Remember to follow me on Twitter (@livingliketitus) and to use the hashtag "2014reads" to join in the conversation about the monthly books.

February's book - "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria