Quitting Facebook (?)

So I'm considering deleting my Facebook account. Two things up front. One is, I know you can't technically ever delete your account (so my younger friends... beware that everything, everything you post and upload is saved forever, even when you 'delete' it) and two is that it's crazy that quitting Facebook is even something 'important' enough to write about. But yet, here I am writing.

I guess the issue for me is that Facebook feeds into so many parts of my heart that are incredibly terrible, sinful, and gross. It's not merely a place to look at cute pictures of babies and weddings, but for me, it's a place to pass judgement. It feeds any hint of discontentment with my life. I see other peoples' vacations, houses, weddings, babies, and for some reason, the immense blessings that God has given me grow dim. I notice when a new mom looks thinner than I do and become even more dissatisfied with my body, I notice when a friend changes her last name or goes from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' and my mind starts piecing together the story that may or may not be true.

But, even bigger than me using Facebook to quench my desire to gossip and compare myself to those "around me" (although, let's face it, most of our friends on Facebook are only friends on Facebook), is my need to be connected. Actually, let me put quotes around that word - "connected". I completely love the fact that Facebook can connect friends who are worlds away, I have a dear friend in Kenya who I adore following, and others across the country and world and Facebook does help me stay in contact with them. But, at the end of the day, I feel like I'm peering into a window of their house rather than sitting next to them at dinner. Does that make any sense?

I want to actually know people. I want to actually and genuinely be known.  I want to sit and have tea with a friend, ask about her kids/husband/job/school and see her facial expressions, hear her intonation and feel her heart. I want to see my family and give them hugs, not merely 'like' their photos.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is innately bad or morally wrong. There are many people who can use Facebook and use it well. I don't think I am one of them though. It sucks. I want to say that I can see things without judging or comparing or envying. And I want to not log onto Facebook only because I am fearful that I have missed out on something. That one of my friends who I thought I was close to announced her pregnancy and I never got the call. That someone got engaged who I thought I was close to, but I would have only known through Facebook. Honestly, I am scared that I will miss out, and I know I probably will.

But that will be okay. It really, really will.

So, if I do delete my account, the Facebook universe will have less pictures of a growing Owen, less rants about nap times come and gone, and less silly videos of kids falling asleep while eating. But, you know what? Owen will have more Mama time. Andrew will have more face-to-face time with his wife. And I will have a great and painful opportunity to run to the Lord when I am fearful of missing out and have him comfort me with the knowledge that his sweet salvation is all I really need to know. That if I "miss out" on some big news, I haven't really missed the biggest news. That my Savior came humbly and lived perfectly and died brutally and rose victoriously to redeem me.

Me. Who spends hours fretting about how to word a post regarding quitting Facebook or not. Who judges my sisters and brothers. Who wants things that are not mine, and is bogged down by trivial matters when there is so, so much more than what's in front of me on the screen. Me. Jesus redeemed me.

And I am ridiculously grateful. :)

I love writing though, and want to keep this blog up and going, and actually write a whole lot more. I feel drawn to writing about my OCD, my faith, and how being a wife and a mama and a homemaker describe but don't define me. I would love to write about why I chose to use cloth diapers, the new red lentil curry soup I made, why I buy in bulk, and how to find the best deals at Goodwill (hint: on Monday's certain tag colors are $1.29!). I can't wait to blog about my heart for India, my prayer for the U-District, and what God is teaching me through Deuteronomy and Matthew.

Oh, and of course, pictures and stories about the little one who is growing up to be a little man, buddy O by name.

Check back soon, I'm excited for this new season!