This past Wednesday our community group sent out two families to plant another group. We prayed for them, their new group, and for God to use their group for his glory. With this commissioning, the Gospel goes forward and more people have the opportunity to be in genuine community and to see how the good news is lived out in life together.
This is what my mind knows to be true. At the same time though, my heart is breaking a little. Once again, people who have impacted my life and have been used mightily by the Lord are moving on to another season and I feel as if a part of my heart is going with them.
To be honest, this seems to be a trend for me in community. The first community group I attended, with my then fiancé, was led by an amazing couple and although at first I was incredibly intimidated by the leader's wife, I quickly grew to absolutely adore her. She was only a few years older than me, but decades ahead of me in her love of the Lord and her relationship with Jesus. She counseled me through the latter part of my engagement, and was the first Mama at my church to take me under her wing. I babysat her daughter once a week and not only did that give me the opportunity to learn more about children and motherhood, but it also gave me time to talk with this woman before/after she went out and did her errands (now being a mama myself, I understand how incredible running simple errands alone actually is...).
She spoke bluntly, questioned deeply, and loved passionately. The woman I first thought of as intense and, to be honest, was scared wouldn't like me, became a dear sister. And then, their family moved. In fact, it was the day I took my pregnancy test with Owen that they left Seattle. My heart ached and I felt as though I had lost a dear friend. I miss her like crazy.
Around the same time a friend from middle school who had invited me to come to Mars Hill got married and switched to another church location. She had walked with me through so much, and had coached me in leadership, my life, and my marriage. She was such a confidant to me, and then was gone. Still a part of my life, but in such a different way as the Lord has moved our paths farther from each other.
Time after time over the course of these last couple years I feel as though parts of my heart are being taken by women who mean the world to me. My roommate and close sister moved across the state, my midweek Bible study leader moved across the country, and the woman who held my hand as I walked through the darkest hours of suicidal postpartum depression also moved the the other side of the country.
I am so grateful to remember how God has placed these women in my life, and yet still hurting from the changes in life which draw us away. As I was talking to the Lord tonight about how it wasn't fair that he seemingly rip these relationships apart from me, I was gently reminded that Jesus is my friend and very near help. I know it sounds cliche, but it was oh so needed in my heart at that moment.
With that reminder also came the conviction that all too often, I rely on these godly women more than I rely on God. Funny, I always pray that God would take idols out of my heart and mind and grow me to only be able to rely on him, but it tends to take me a while to realize that he does that through everyday means - like jobs moving locations, and marriages, and community group replications.
So, with all of these rambles, I guess the praise and the prayer is that God reminded me again tonight how sinful I really am. That he is so good, and so holy, and so deeply wants me to run to him first and I so often don't. I forget that he is the source of wisdom, and instead go first to the women around me. I get scared that I won't be able to 'hear' from God and therefore ask these dear women for their opinions before spending time at the feet of Jesus.
Yes, my heart is hurting tonight. I want so badly to be in community with these women again. Honestly, even writing this makes me miss them all even more. But, in a bittersweet way, God is giving me such a precious opportunity to lean into him for everything. For friendship, for counsel, for peace.
My prayer is that the Lord would continue to sweetly remind me that he is there no matter what, and I can trust his sovereign giving and taking of friendships throughout the seasons my life. I deeply desire to run to him first, before my husband, and before these women. Sometimes the process of prayer being answered is difficult, but I am so grateful not only for the time that Jesus has given me in community with these ladies, but also for the knowledge that one day I will worship our Savior eternally with them beside me :)
No comments:
Post a Comment