Pinterest Parties and Fear of Failure

It's amazing how quickly guilt and lies can mount. 

"You said you would blog once a week and now it's been nearly a month. Just give up."

"Christmas is three days away and you're not done with the projects you haven't even stared yet."

"You have a 1st birthday party to plan and throw and you know you don't have the time."

"Failure."

It's in those still, quiet moments in the middle of the night when my heart starts racing with lists, oh the lists, of all that I believe needs to be done and then fear mounts alongside of the guilt.

Fear of not having a Christmas that measures up to the one I've pinned on Pinterest.

Fear of disappointment in the meager gifts we were able to give to loved ones.

Fear of the simplicity of what our lifestyle can offer drowning in the grandeur of what's around us.

Fear of failure.

I think the thing that I am most afraid of, is of admitting that I am afraid that my life won't measure up.

That when I post pictures of Owen's first birthday on Instagram, they won't measure up to the ones I saw on Pinterest. That when my family comes for Christmas dinner, the decorations and table settings won't be as elaborate as what they were on Thanksgiving. That the one simple gift of the "Hug-a-Bible" Owen is getting from Dada and Mama will be irrelevant compared to the toys and gifts given by others.

That my heart will forget that Christmas is about God becoming a man. A small, helpless, fragile baby boy. Who will not be lost noise of the world around him, but will instead humbly and adoringly listen to the Father's words and seek the Father's heart. Who will love me to death. Even death on a cross. Who will pay for my sins of pride and arrogance and comparisons and coveting and discontentment and worship of others' opinions rather than God's.

Oh, Jesus. Please do not let me sit in these fears and lies and lists. Please still my frantic heart and cause the shouting to fade and your words to wrap around me like a warm comforter on a chilly winter night. Be my comfort.

As I seek the face of my Savior, my heart melts and once again I remember that it does not matter if Owen has a perfectly themed book birthday party. That if the crafty decorations I long to make for him go no farther than a board on Pinterest and if guests are only offered chips and dip, it doesn't matter. That if the name cards I want to make to match the dishes I want to use for Christmas dinner don't get finished, it will be more than okay. And that my being a "good" mama is not based upon how excited my son is for the gift he receives from his Dada and me or how elaborate his first Christmas and first birthday end up being.

The strain of wanting my life and this Christmas and birthday week to be put together and photo-perfect wears on me physically and spiritually. In my quest for getting things perfect, I miss the tender moments of discovery with my son who would much rather an afternoon with his Mama playing on the rug than a "Happy Birthday" sign made from old books and hand drawn letters.

If I am not able to do the things on my list that I so want to do, Wednesday will still be Christmas and Christ still will be Savior who came and lived and died for my feeble heart.

And if I am able to do the things on my list that I so want to do, Wednesday will still be Christmas and Christ still will be Savior who came and lived and died for my feeble heart.

Praise be. Oh, Praise Praise be.

Merry Christmas!
Sola Dei Gloria 

Waffles and Neighbors and Entitlement and Drafty Windows

First off, I am so incredibly encouraged and moved by the response to my last post regarding our family deciding to be missionaries here in the U-District. Being able to hear from so many people who read it and are now praying for us and supporting us still completely blows me away. God is so good, and so faithful and He knows that this is a tough journey and I must cling to Him and His goodness alone.

Because, to be honest, it's hard to conjure up encouragement when deliveries are stolen.

And it's hard to have a desire for lives to be transformed by the Gospel when bedroom windows can't shut fully and it's cold tonight.

And in that moment, the moment right after I lay on our bed and stare at the ceiling and wonder aloud to the walls and my husband and my Savior "this sucks, why again?", God oh so sweetly reminds me that it's not about those fish oil supplements. Or being toasty warm without the comforter on. It's about Him. His glory. His Son dying on the cross for me and my sins that are no less offensive and vile in His sight than theft or negligence or mold.

God reminds me of yesterday as I sit and stew about my frustrations and entitlements.

Yesterday we hosted our first (Lord willing annual) "Thanksgiving Waffle Bar Breakfast" for our neighbors. We made little invitations and went around to the neighbors on our block and invited them last week and bought a 10 pound bag of waffle mix at Costco. I feared that no one would show. That it would have been all for not, and that it was just wishful thinking.

And then there was a knock at the door.

By the end of the morning, a family from church, the neighbors downstairs and two neighbors from across the street had stopped by. One even brought a sweet card and poinsettia from another neighbor who wanted to come but was out of town. These were neighbors we had been living within rock throwing distance of for over a year and had never seen. These were neighbors that now we know the names of and are a part of a desire to build community right where we are, right across the street.

The heavens didn't open up and doves didn't descend but food was shared and smiles were exchanged and I pray that God is beginning something in this neighborhood that will bring Him glory in ways I cannot even imagine.

God brings this all to mind as I cry out to him about why I deserve something more. Ha. I cry out to the God who "has has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Colossians 1:13-14)". Oh how quickly does my sinful heart chase after more than my beloved Savior. My eyes are called to be fixed on Him and instead they wander off to whether or not there is dirt and plaster on my bathroom floor and, dude, if I find whoever you are who stole my son's spill mat from our front porch I will totally...

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24)" Once again, Paul puts to words the crushing weight of realizing my sin and knowing in a few minutes I will most likely travel that path again. I feel like the constant refrain the Lord is pressing upon my weary heart is to hold fast. To be all-in even when it feels like the more I desire to be all-in and actually start living it the more our house falls apart and our finances plummet. To trust Him that even when one more thing goes wrong and I laugh because if I didn't I would burst into tears, that my present circumstance is by no means indicative of His love for me. That I could lose absolutely everything, even my own breath, and He would still, still be good.

So tonight I will sweep my bathroom floor, snuggle under my comforter and pray Colossians 1:11-12 for my easily distracted heart.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. (Colossians 1:11-12)"

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria

Becoming Missionaries

The Titus family has decided to become missionaries. 

It is not as though God spoke audibly "your family will be missionaries" but rather this has been something on our hearts for quite some time. God has brought us to a point where we are no longer satisfied with just saying that we want to be missionaries. We actually want to be missionaries. To live as missionaries. To (if God so wills) die as missionaries. 

We want to see people reached for Jesus. We want to see the neighborhood where we are on mission be changed, and the city radically transformed through the power of the Holy Spirit. We want to build relationships with the people in the area, work with those who are already serving through providing meals and clothing to the homeless for example, and build friendships with those around us. Honestly, we want to see a Gospel explosion - something like Ephesus when Paul preached and the Holy Spirit moved and the city was transformed 180 degrees (Acts 19). 

So, yeah. We are going to begin missions work. 

The place where we feel we want to be missionaries to is quite diverse. It's a place that has a high turnover of people throughout the year, and yet there are also residents who have called it home for decades. During the summer and warmer months, it has quite a large homeless population, even though it is also home to incredibly wealthy pockets of homes and schools. To say that it is economically diverse is an understatement. 

It also is undergoing massive changes. There is new infrastructure being built and planning to be built soon that is changing the landscape of the area greatly. Although some of the people want the changes, others are fighting it fiercely and there is a hotbed of bitterness and anger towards each other building rapidly. We long to see the various sides come together for the betterment of the area, but honestly, that will have to be a work of the Holy Spirit at this point. Tensions run deep, and run passionately.

There is a local church about 6 blocks from our home that we are partnering with. In fact, there are several people on mission to this area already and we are excited to join with them. One family lives within walking distance and has a son close to Owen's age - little buddies!! Their hearts are for the area as well, and Andrew and I are so encouraged by their obedience to God, even when it means inconvenience and a life far from where they thought they would be living and raising their family. To know that others have a heart for the same area and are this close to us is incredible. Truly and honestly a Godsend.

We know that this is not going to be easy. In fact, it's already been met with resistance, both by our sinful self-seeking, prideful natures, and others who think we are totally nuts. It is far from the safest area, but compared to most other places around the world is totally safe. Many bus routes come in and out of the area, which is awesome because we are likely to not have a car for too much longer. There are grocery stores nearby that we can walk to, as well as doctors offices and other necessities that are quite easy to get to, even with a stroller.

The living situation is both comfortable and rough. The house doesn't heat incredibly well and has a couple other issues, but it's big enough to host meals (which we are praying will include many neighbors and non-Christians) as well as playdates and prayer nights to build community and focus our eyes on Jesus - there's no other way this is going to work at all. We are super blessed to have been able to find it, as there are not too many like it within the price range we can afford.

Andrew will still be working full-time as an accountant, and I will still be staying at home full-time. While from the outside world it seems more profitable to have me working also, God has and will provide, there's no question in our minds about that. Many things will be the same about our family, but we are praying that many more will be radically different.

What can you do? Pray! Please pray for God to continue to change our hearts and place within us a deeper desire than even now to serve and love and reach the area we feel drawn to. Please pray for financial provision - with medical bills from earlier this year and other things it is going to continue to be a struggle. Like I said before though, there has never been a time in which God has not provided our daily bread though, both spiritually and literally. God has used our financial issues to draw us to him in the past and through this all we know he will continue to do so. Please also partner with us in prayer for the area - that God would move mightily and many would meet Jesus. That we would be bold in our actions and not fear persecution in any form. That we would raise Owen to love the people around him and not be in a Christian bubble, but rather in the world but not of it. Also prayer that Andrew and I would continue to be united would be amazing - that through this next season of our lives that God would grow us closer to him and each other and keep our marriage strong.

We are super excited. Incredibly nervous. And without a doubt certain we can no longer sit in our house and think about how much we want to partner with the Lord to reach people. We are all-in. It will be a fight to stay all-in every day, I know it. It already has been. My mind doubts that this is really that big of a deal, and that perhaps I am being too out there in my thinking. But then I read Acts and I realize God invites us into such a deeper relationship with him, such a more radical life than morning quiet times and Sunday services. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'll be updating frequently with prayer requests and evidences of God's grace in this journey. We will post pictures of the area and hopefully events that we can use to build community and open doors to relationships with those around us, particularly our neighbors. I will label this all under a new tab on this blog so that it will be easier to find.

The tab will be: "U-District Mission".

Our heart is to be all-in in the U-District. To see the place where we live be reached for Jesus. To live without reservation, without fear, and with our eyes on Jesus. Whether that be India or exactly where we currently are.

:)

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria 

Monthly Meal Planning: Part 3

This is the final post in the Monthly Meal Planning series (read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here). 

In the past two posts, I shared my heart and reasonings for monthly meal planning. In this post, I want to be super practical. Thinking about what would be the most beneficial tools to begin meal planning, on any scale, I have included some recipes, best prices, and questions I've been asked during the time I've meal planned. Enjoy! 

Make-at-Home Recipe Favorites

I used to think that buying everything pre-made was easier and saved time and money. Now that I am more budget-conscious and actually have started to enjoy making things from scratch, I have found that there are many things that are cheaper (and most of the time healthier, since you know what you put in it...) when you make them yourself. While this isn't possible all of the time, there are a few recipes that I go back to time and time again.

Here are a few of my favorites (thanks to my friend Shanna for the starter ideas!):

Sweet and Sour Stir Fry Sauce 

1/4 cup broth (I use chicken)
2 tablespoons soy sauce (there are several options for GF soy sauces, Whole Foods carries several)
2 tablespoons balsamic or rice wine vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes (you can add more or less depending on preference)
1 teaspoon sesame seeds
1 clove garlic, minced

*Combine all ingredients and pour over stir fry veggies once they are nearly done. Let simmer for remainder of cooking time and pour excess sauce onto rice/quinoa when dishing up.

Tomato Pasta Sauce 

1/2 cup olive oil
6-10 cloves of garlic, minced
6 28oz cans of diced tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
Seasoning of choice (Italian Seasoning is what I've used but you could use whatever you'd like)

*Puree tomatoes with immersion blender until they have reached your desired consistency (I like some tomato chunks in my sauce, so I pureed 5 of the cans and left one can diced). Head large pot over medium-high heat and add olive oil. When oil becomes hot, add garlic and stir for 1-2 minutes. Add 1/2 cup of the tomato puree to the pot and cook 1 minute. Add remainder of puree and simmer on medium-low for 4+ hours, the longer you simmer this, the thicker the sauce will get. This makes at least 7 dinners, so freezing this is ideal. If you find you want the sauce to be thicker when you defrost the sauce later, you can either simmer it longer or add a bit of arrowroot powder to thicken it up.

Crockpot Pinto Beans

2 1/2 cups dry pinto (or black) beans, rinsed
3 garlic cloves, minced
4-6 cups of water
1 bouillon cube (or equivalent broth)

*Combine all ingredients into crockpot and cook on low all day. Check occasionally and add more water if needed.

Best Prices

There are many places to find best prices around the Seattle area for the foods that my family uses frequently. About a year ago, I started taking a small notebook along with me when I grocery shop to write down prices of foods we typically purchase and compare prices among the stores we frequent the most. One thing to note though, especially at Costco, items that are on this best price list may not stay in stock for long, and products will cycle through sales and availability more often than not. If you find a better deal, post a comment and I will add it/edit my list! Also, this website has a bigger list of Costco items, but I am not sure if they are still available/priced the same. 

Costco:

Organic Short Grain Brown Rice - 12 pounds for $13.49
Organic Coconut Oil - 78 ounces for $21.99
Organic Pure Maple Syrup - 1 liter for $13.59
Organic Raisins - 4 pounds for $8.49
Organic Quinoa (Pre-washed) - 4 pounds for $11.69
Organic Applesauce - 4 jars of 47 ounces for $9.69 
Frozen Stir Fry - 5.5 pounds for $7.49
Eggs - 2 dozen for $3.19
Kerrygold Butter - 3 8oz sticks for $6.99 
Salsa - 2 38 ounce jars for $5.39
Almonds - 5 pounds for $12.99
Gluten Free Bread - 2 loaves for $7.99
Gluten Free Flour -  5 pounds for $12.69

Whole Foods (Winco is actually a bit cheaper, but I have noticed the quality of Whole Foods is worth the extra few cents, as well as the convenience of being able to walk there):

Pumpkin Seeds - $4.99 a pound
Dried Black Beans - $1.89 a pound
Dried Pinto Beans - $1.99 a pound
Dried Kidney Beans - $1.99 a pound 
Split Peas - $1.39 a pound
Sunrise Red lentils - $1.99 a pound

Meal Planning FAQ

How do you know what to get at Costco if you only go one time a month?

I have actually just started going to Costco once a month recently, and before that have been going twice a month. I decided to go once because I tend to buy more things when I go twice - 'great sale' items that we really don't need but I feel compelled to buy because it's such a good price. It has taken me about three months to solidify what we go through a month on average from Costco, and this allows me to buy what we go through, rather than what I think we may use. I started writing down what we buy from Costco in a notebook, and then putting dates by each item whenever I bought it again. Over the past several months, I began to notice trends such as we buy brown rice every other month and stir fry once a month. Now, I can have a pretty good idea of what we need each month and just buy those items. It really does sound like a lot of work, but honestly it takes just a minute or two to check off when I've bought items in the notebook and knowing how much of an effort it takes to go to Costco with a small kiddo, it's worth that to me! 

What happens if plans change during the week and dinners you planned won't work?

This is something that so many people have asked me since I have been meal planning. They see the calendar up and menu written out for the week and it seems far too rigid for the average family, especially with crazy and unpredictable schedules. The best answer for this is that within the week, and month actually, there is much flexibility. For me, planning out monthly (or even weekly) allows me to spread out the more costly/time consuming meals, but it doesn't mean that I know exactly what we are having November 20th for dinner. I have a plan for the 22nd (chicken with loaded avocados actually)  but that is mainly for me to have a better strategy for grocery shopping. Without knowing what I will be making through the week I will spend more time and more money at the grocery store (there is a trend of this apparently...) than I really want to. I have all of the ingredients for a week's worth of dinners each Monday, and then can change things up if I need or want to throughout the week. For example, if I was planning a more time intensive meal on Tuesday, but had a rough day and didn't feel up to it, I would swap that meal for another one. I also have a couple of quick meals on hand for weeks when everything hits the fan and we really have no time/ability to cook the meals that were planned. Some of these are rice and Indian Fare (from Trader Joe's), stir fry, and pasta with marinara sauce. Basically, the biggest thing is to make it work for your family. If that means you plan out three days a week worth of meals, then great! It's not a comparison or perfect plan by any means. 

How long did it take to move from weekly to monthly meal planning?


I did weekly meal planning for about a year and a half before I switched over to monthly. Like I've said before, I initially scoffed at monthly meal planning, and actually remember rolling my eyes when I had seen monthly meal planning calendars on Pinterest a while back. I thought it was overkill to plan a whole month, but I think this was because I really didn't know the flexibility and ease that it can bring to meal planning. One of the other things that had to happen before I made the switch to monthly meal planning was having a base of good recipes that were tried and approved of in my family. If you start monthly meal planning and create new recipes every other night, it will likely be overwhelming and costly at best. Having that go-to base of meals allows me to spread out different types of meals (rice based, ones that include meat, soups, etc) and not feel as though I need to buy all new spices and ingredients for every meal. For me, it also makes trying new recipes more enjoyable, knowing if it's a flop, tomorrow's dinner will be something we know we like. 

                                               _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  

It's been great to be able to think and write through the processes that, until now, have been just in my head about meal planning and food budgeting. Being able to actually see what I typically do each month has allowed me to see things that are in definite need of change, and gives me fresh motivation to keep going! One of the things that I am learning though is that meal planning is so far from law. I tend to think that I can only be a "good" wife/mama/homemaker if I do certain things and do them in particular ways. This causes so much stress and needless anxiety. God is teaching me through monthly meal planning not only to trust Him alone with my family, but also that I am invited to hold my schedule and plans with an open hand (I say invited because ultimately He has control over it all, but fighting that leads to such a different relationship than willingly trusting and opening my hands) and He loves me enough to know what's best for me. That may be that my meal plan works out well and we come under budget, or that could mean everything goes sideways and I have to pray for my daily bread more literally than the month before. I do want to love and serve my family through meal planning, but more importantly I want to worship and glorify my Savior through it. 


Until next post, 
Sola Dei Gloria

Monthly Meal Planning: Part 2

This is part two of a three part series on Monthly Meal Planning.

In the previous post, I talked about why I have chosen to do meal planning on a monthly scale for my family, and the ways in which it has helped not only our budget but also routines. The other part of monthly meal planning that has been exciting for me is the flexibility to try new recipes as well as keep staples a consistent part of our meals. 

As Andrew and Owen are both sensitive to gluten, most of our meals and staples are gluten free. When this first transitioned at the beginning of this year I was overwhelmed and thought that we would never be able to eat 'normally' again. I was greatly mistaken! Not only has cooking GF been much easier than anticipated, it's opened me up to trying much more variety in our foods. This being said, many of our staples both in foods we always keep on hand, as well as the dinners we have as our 'go-to' meals are GF. 

Bulk Items

One of the benefits of monthly meal planning is being able to see at a quick glance all that I will need for the entire month (granted, there is definitely still need to be flexible!). To not only be able to stock our cupboard but stay within our food budget, I have started to shop for a lot of bulk items. As with the switch to GF, initially I was not looking forward to how much time I would have to spend cooking with dried beans versus canned. Wonderfully, I have once again been pleasantly surprised with how easy the transition has been. Oh, how I do love my crockpot!

Here are items I buy in bulk:

Black, pinto and kidney beans

Brown rice

Pumpkin and sunflower seeds (for an easy trail mix)

Green and yellow split peas

Red lentils

Cornmeal

Coconut oil

Frozen chicken breasts 

Raisins

Frozen stir-fry veggies

GF rolled oats 

GF all purpose flour 

Chicken broth

Garlic

Salsa

Not all grocery stores have bulk food sections, but some of the best places I've found are Whole Foods, Fred Meyer and Winco. I also buy bulk size at Costco. Whole Foods is actually not too bad for prices in their bulk section, especially given that they are almost all organic and sometimes on great sales (in fact, they just had a 25% all bulk items recently). I reuse glass jars from applesauce, baby food, and other foods to store our bulk items. Goodwill sometimes has great glass containers, and PCC carries extra large containers for $5, which can hold quite a bit of bulk food - I use them for our rolled oats and GF flour.

Staple Meals

Since I buy the above items in bulk, it allows me to maintain some consistency in our meals throughout the month. I typically will try several new meals a month (about once in a week or two), but stick to a lot of our favorites and rotate through them so we don't get sick of any one thing. I also scatter the more expensive meals throughout the month so no one week is overwhelming budget-wise. Here are some of the meals we make sure to plan for, weekly and monthly (click on the highlighted names for the original recipes).

Weekly

Black or pinto beans and rice

GF pasta with (homemade - super easy!) marinara sauce

Stir-fry with quinoa

Monthly

Curry red lentil stew 

Split pea soup

Coconut curry red lentils and rice

Thai fried quinoa

Kale and broccoli quinoa

Crockpot chicken tacos

Balsamic chicken with red potatoes and carrots

Spiced split pea dal with rice

Black bean and pumpkin soup

Corn chili 

Stuffed green peppers 

Cauliflower and bacon soup

I tend to find most of my recipes through Pinterest (follow me on Pinterest: ruth311), and through friends who have shown me great time and money-saving recipes. I keep updating my recipe box quite frequently, and love finding new meals! 

I would love to answer any questions you may have regarding monthly meal planning, bulk items, etc. Feel free to comment below and I will make sure to answer all in the final installment post of this series! 

Look soon for Part 3 of Monthly Meal Planning - time and money-saving recipes, best prices, and meal planning FAQ! 

Monthly Meal Planning: Part 1

This is part one of a three part series on Monthly Meal Planning. 

I'm sure it doesn't come as a shock to anyone who knows me that I meal plan. I love the organization of it, the creativity in balancing the meals with the budget, and the simplicity of not having to run to the grocery store every other day (although Owen has been trekked along in his stroller many a time to Trader Joe's right before dinner-time...). I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination on meal planning, or keeping a budget, but this has been something the Lord has put on my heart to do in order to love and serve my family. So, before I even begin, take what works for you from this (if anything) and expect that in months ahead I will be editing these posts as I rework things myself!

To start off with, I was never the girl growing up who everyone thought would be a cook. Or a homemaker. Or a meal planner. Well, perhaps the meal planner as it fit with my need for organization, but other than that I was completely disinterested in anything to do with the kitchen. I remember one occasion in which I burned rice so badly it had to be thrown out. If it wasn't microwavable, Ashley didn't even attempt it.

Once I got married, I was excited to now cook for my little family of two. We received a "What to eat?"  magnet pad for a wedding gift, and I put it up the first week back from our honeymoon. Those first few weeks, or months, were an interesting trial period as I transitioned into making more than prepared freezer meals for my new husband, and tried to stay within a budget for the first time in my life. I honestly feel as though the new wife of nearly two years ago and the wife and mama of today are completely different women. I love to cook now, and meal planning has gone from an annoying must to ensure I didn't only buy cheese at the store to something I look forward to doing each month.

Why monthly?

For the majority of the past two years I have done weekly meal planning. This has been great, but I found over the past several months that I tend to spend a lot more money the first half of the month on food, and scramble trying to stay in budget the second half - typically having to resort to many nights of beans and rice and other staples which are always stocked in our house. I decided to try out monthly meal planning (something I initially scoffed at in all honesty) and last month was the first time since Owen was born that I was actually able to stay within budget without playing money Tetris on Mint too much.

Actually, monthly meal planning has seemed to be much easier than weekly for me in several ways so far. The first of which is that it takes the guess work out of deciding each Saturday what to eat for dinners (Andrew and I go through our weekly schedule each Saturday so we can sync up and know what's up ahead for each of us individually and as a family, something that has proven massively beneficial and we can really tell when we've neglected this routine). I use a monthly calendar and also have a list of meals that Andrew and I have tried and liked and basically just fill in the boxes!

Another massive benefit of planning monthly is that I can allocate dinners and budget far better when I can see the entire month in view. I have a rough estimate of how much each of the meals cost, and which typically include items that we keep on hand, and this allows me to spread out the more costly meals throughout the month rather than only at the beginning. Additionally, monthly meal planning allows me to have more of a routine in when and where we buy our groceries which has been so helpful in building relationships with the employees at the grocery stores we shop at weekly. In fact, at the grocery store a few blocks away from our house where we do our weekly shopping, we have gotten to know one of the employees fairly well and are excited to continue to build that relationship.

So far my routines have been:
Trader Joe's  - once a week
Whole Foods - once a week (trying to make this twice a month)
Costco - twice a month (trying to make this once a month)

Check back for Part 2 of Monthly Meal Planning - some of our weekly meals, staple recipes, and must have's for our house! 

Pumpkin Patch 2013

Last year, Andrew and I visited Bob's Corn Maze and Pumpkin Patch for the first time. We had such a great experience, and knew we wanted to go back with Owen for sure! If you've never been, Bob's is a great place whether or not you end up actually buying any pumpkins. With an assortment of tasty fall treats (pumpkin donuts, apple cider, roasted corn…), hayrides, and a field of pumpkins there is plenty to do and see without spending much or any money at all. 

Andrew and I both love the idea of making traditions as a family, and a visit to a pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin and spend the afternoon with family and friends is one we are excited for Owen to grow up with. While we went last year by ourselves, this year two families from our community group joined us. It was so fun to see what Owen will be like next year, as some of the kiddos are about a year older than him. The farm animals, food, and hay ride to the patch were all enjoyed and while Owen snuggled in the Ergo the entire time, he took everything in analytically in true Owen fashion. 

Here are some of the pictures from the day

 

Pumpkin Patch Preview!

Just a couple pictures from our Titus family 2013 adventure to Bob's Corn Maze and Pumpkin Patch :) Look for more to come shortly!

Bittersweet Commissioning

This past Wednesday our community group sent out two families to plant another group. We prayed for them, their new group, and for God to use their group for his glory. With this commissioning, the Gospel goes forward and more people have the opportunity to be in genuine community and to see how the good news is lived out in life together. 

This is what my mind knows to be true. At the same time though, my heart is breaking a little. Once again, people who have impacted my life and have been used mightily by the Lord are moving on to another season and I feel as if a part of my heart is going with them.

To be honest, this seems to be a trend for me in community. The first community group I attended, with my then fiancé, was led by an amazing couple and although at first I was incredibly intimidated by the leader's wife, I quickly grew to absolutely adore her. She was only a few years older than me, but decades ahead of me in her love of the Lord and her relationship with Jesus. She counseled me through the latter part of my engagement, and was the first Mama at my church to take me under her wing. I babysat her daughter once a week and not only did that give me the opportunity to learn more about children and motherhood, but it also gave me time to talk with this woman before/after she went out and did her errands (now being a mama myself, I understand how incredible running simple errands alone actually is...). 

She spoke bluntly, questioned deeply, and loved passionately. The woman I first thought of as intense and, to be honest, was scared wouldn't like me, became a dear sister. And then, their family moved. In fact, it was the day I took my pregnancy test with Owen that they left Seattle. My heart ached and I felt as though I had lost a dear friend. I miss her like crazy.

Around the same time a friend from middle school who had invited me to come to Mars Hill got married and switched to another church location. She had walked with me through so much, and had coached me in leadership, my life, and my marriage. She was such a confidant to me, and then was gone. Still a part of my life, but in such a different way as the Lord has moved our paths farther from each other. 

Time after time over the course of these last couple years I feel as though parts of my heart are being taken by women who mean the world to me. My roommate and close sister moved across the state, my midweek Bible study leader moved across the country, and the woman who held my hand as I walked through the darkest hours of suicidal postpartum depression also moved the the other side of the country. 

I am so grateful to remember how God has placed these women in my life, and yet still hurting from the changes in life which draw us away. As I was talking to the Lord tonight about how it wasn't fair that he seemingly rip these relationships apart from me, I was gently reminded that Jesus is my friend and very near help. I know it sounds cliche, but it was oh so needed in my heart at that moment. 

With that reminder also came the conviction that all too often, I rely on these godly women more than I rely on God. Funny, I always pray that God would take idols out of my heart and mind and grow me to only be able to rely on him, but it tends to take me a while to realize that he does that through everyday means - like jobs moving locations, and marriages, and community group replications. 

So, with all of these rambles, I guess the praise and the prayer is that God reminded me again tonight how sinful I really am. That he is so good, and so holy, and so deeply wants me to run to him first and I so often don't. I forget that he is the source of wisdom, and instead go first to the women around me. I get scared that I won't be able to 'hear' from God and therefore ask these dear women for their opinions before spending time at the feet of Jesus. 

Yes, my heart is hurting tonight. I want so badly to be in community with these women again. Honestly, even writing this makes me miss them all even more. But, in a bittersweet way, God is giving me such a precious opportunity to lean into him for everything. For friendship, for counsel, for peace. 

My prayer is that the Lord would continue to sweetly remind me that he is there no matter what, and I can trust his sovereign giving and taking of friendships throughout the seasons my life. I deeply desire to run to him first, before my husband, and before these women. Sometimes the process of prayer being answered is difficult, but I am so grateful not only for the time that Jesus has given me in community with these ladies, but also for the knowledge that one day I will worship our Savior eternally with them beside me :) 

Facebook Free :)

So I deleted my account. It feels wonderful.

I guess I needed to actually realize that what I was 'gaining' from Facebook was actually taking away and that my heart was not being uplifted by it, but drawn more into my self and definitely away from Jesus.

That being said, I am so excited to start writing more, you know, with all of that spare time I now have :)

If you notice near the top of the blog, there are a few new tabs - Book Reviews, Family Updates, Food Finds, Join Me in Prayer, Making a Home and Walking in the Word. I will be labeling all of my posts from now on and putting them into these categories, so that they will be easier to read through and search for. My current goal is to write once a week, and to try and post to each category once a month. Here is a little more detail about each of the topics:

Book Reviews - I absolutely love to read, and when I find books that I can't put down, I love to share them. So this is where I will do that! Not only am I hoping that this will push me to read more consistently (I tend to read in spurts and then have a week or two... or three... where I barely read at all), but I would love to share about the ones that truly are worth reading (at least in my opinion). As with all of the posts, feel free to comment on the reviews, I would love to know if anyone else has read the books and what thoughts are about them.

Family Updates - Kind of self explanatory, but this is where I will post pictures of my growing little man, updates on Andrew and myself and our lives in the U-District. We are taking Owen to his first pumpkin patch this coming weekend, so look for an update sometime next week! 

Food Finds - I will be sharing recipes, bargain hunting finds, and different bulk-buying tips here. I will also be uploading tips and guides for meal planning (both weekly and monthly) and various sales that are too good not to share. Make sure to sign up for this blog through your email to get all of the updates!

Join Me in Prayer - In this, I will be posting what the Lord has put on my heart especially in regards to the U-District, as well as how God has answered prayers and continued prayer requests. Feel free to post prayer requests as well (or email me) and we can be on our knees together for His will to be done.

Making a Home - I am nervous and excited for this one. I don't feel as though I am that creative, and will be praying continuously that this section doesn't become a place to boast or bemoan in my homemaking. I adore making the house that my husband, son and I live in into a home, so this will be the place I will post about DIY projects, holiday traditions, and other things that are homemaker-y in subject. As with the Food Finds section, when I have redone something I have found online, I will make sure to post the original link for you all as well. 

Walking in the Word - I can't wait for this section. As a Christian, I have always struggled with finding the Bible dry and dull, especially the Old Testament and particularly the "law" books. Recently though, the Lord has answered my prayers that the Bible would indeed be my daily bread. In this section, I will be writing about what I am reading in the Word, and mainly the stream of consciousness reflections I have on what I've been reading. I am no theologian or seminary student, but am a lover of Jesus and do enjoy Greek word studies... so this should be fun :)

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria 

Quitting Facebook (?)

So I'm considering deleting my Facebook account. Two things up front. One is, I know you can't technically ever delete your account (so my younger friends... beware that everything, everything you post and upload is saved forever, even when you 'delete' it) and two is that it's crazy that quitting Facebook is even something 'important' enough to write about. But yet, here I am writing.

I guess the issue for me is that Facebook feeds into so many parts of my heart that are incredibly terrible, sinful, and gross. It's not merely a place to look at cute pictures of babies and weddings, but for me, it's a place to pass judgement. It feeds any hint of discontentment with my life. I see other peoples' vacations, houses, weddings, babies, and for some reason, the immense blessings that God has given me grow dim. I notice when a new mom looks thinner than I do and become even more dissatisfied with my body, I notice when a friend changes her last name or goes from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' and my mind starts piecing together the story that may or may not be true.

But, even bigger than me using Facebook to quench my desire to gossip and compare myself to those "around me" (although, let's face it, most of our friends on Facebook are only friends on Facebook), is my need to be connected. Actually, let me put quotes around that word - "connected". I completely love the fact that Facebook can connect friends who are worlds away, I have a dear friend in Kenya who I adore following, and others across the country and world and Facebook does help me stay in contact with them. But, at the end of the day, I feel like I'm peering into a window of their house rather than sitting next to them at dinner. Does that make any sense?

I want to actually know people. I want to actually and genuinely be known.  I want to sit and have tea with a friend, ask about her kids/husband/job/school and see her facial expressions, hear her intonation and feel her heart. I want to see my family and give them hugs, not merely 'like' their photos.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is innately bad or morally wrong. There are many people who can use Facebook and use it well. I don't think I am one of them though. It sucks. I want to say that I can see things without judging or comparing or envying. And I want to not log onto Facebook only because I am fearful that I have missed out on something. That one of my friends who I thought I was close to announced her pregnancy and I never got the call. That someone got engaged who I thought I was close to, but I would have only known through Facebook. Honestly, I am scared that I will miss out, and I know I probably will.

But that will be okay. It really, really will.

So, if I do delete my account, the Facebook universe will have less pictures of a growing Owen, less rants about nap times come and gone, and less silly videos of kids falling asleep while eating. But, you know what? Owen will have more Mama time. Andrew will have more face-to-face time with his wife. And I will have a great and painful opportunity to run to the Lord when I am fearful of missing out and have him comfort me with the knowledge that his sweet salvation is all I really need to know. That if I "miss out" on some big news, I haven't really missed the biggest news. That my Savior came humbly and lived perfectly and died brutally and rose victoriously to redeem me.

Me. Who spends hours fretting about how to word a post regarding quitting Facebook or not. Who judges my sisters and brothers. Who wants things that are not mine, and is bogged down by trivial matters when there is so, so much more than what's in front of me on the screen. Me. Jesus redeemed me.

And I am ridiculously grateful. :)

I love writing though, and want to keep this blog up and going, and actually write a whole lot more. I feel drawn to writing about my OCD, my faith, and how being a wife and a mama and a homemaker describe but don't define me. I would love to write about why I chose to use cloth diapers, the new red lentil curry soup I made, why I buy in bulk, and how to find the best deals at Goodwill (hint: on Monday's certain tag colors are $1.29!). I can't wait to blog about my heart for India, my prayer for the U-District, and what God is teaching me through Deuteronomy and Matthew.

Oh, and of course, pictures and stories about the little one who is growing up to be a little man, buddy O by name.

Check back soon, I'm excited for this new season!

Coming Clean

I am Ashley Renee Titus. I am a daughter of God, fully redeemed by the blood of Jesus from my sins past, present and future and all the sin that has been done against me. 

This alone is what defines me. 

I am also the wife of Andrew and the Mama of Owen. I have blue eyes, am 5’9” and have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

There, I said it. No more hiding. No more covering up. 

Research says that people with OCD generally take between 6-9 years to seek help for their disorder due to a variety of reasons including fear, shame, and not knowing that there is help for the way they think and live. 

It took me over 20 years.

Growing up, I can remember fear. Terrible, horrible fear. All consuming fear. 

Fear of death. Fear of earthquakes. Fear of volcanic eruptions. Fear of sickness. Fear of someone breaking into our house. Fear of someone or something looking into my bedroom window. Fear of being awake when my parents were asleep.

I remember specifically in the first part of elementary school sobbing on the playground even before school started because I was thinking about that night and feared being awake when my parents shut off SportsCenter and went to bed. 

The panic gripped me and I tried to stop the anxiety by pleading for reassurance. From my parents, from teachers, from other kids, from myself. “Are you sure Mt. Rainier won’t blow up and kill us today?” “Are you sure there are no such things as UFO’s?” “Are you sure no one is going to break in and you not hear and kill me as I run into your room to tell you?” “Are you sure North Korea won’t kill everyone in Seattle with a bomb today?” “Are you sure the world won’t end and we won’t all die when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2000?”

The fears were terrible. I never knew that they weren’t how my brain should have been processing things. I assumed I was a freak, and that this was just how it was for me. My lot in life. It sucked, but oh well. 

Then there was the organization. I was known for the immaculate desk and pencil box in school. I would beg to clean the kids’ desks around mine, and not stop hounding them until I was allowed to. I didn’t know why, but it felt like my mind was going to spin out of control if those desks weren’t clean and organized. So I just cleaned. The shouting and spinning of my head would stop, for a while, and I could calm down, so I just kept doing it.

Through the years, times were better and times were worse. Small things would bug me like the chairs in rooms not being aligned, or posters being hung crooked. As I got older I realized how I thought was odd and tried to keep things to myself. I would stare at things that were ‘off’ instead of listening to teachers or paying attention to friends and plan ways to find time to fix them when no one else was around. Always constant was the anxiety, the not being able to get the ‘off’ things out of my train of thought. The feeling like my mind was on broken record, one thought being replayed over and over again.

My parents always said that I would never let anyone else make my bed. It would have to be a certain way or I would start over and fix it until it ‘felt right’. This moved into my nannying and babysitting as I got older. I would play a game with the kids I babysat to see who could make their rooms cleaner and they would frolic off to cleaning while I cleaned alongside them, staying the course as they, at some point, would get distracted and start playing with toys they forgot about but found during the cleaning. Time and time again, parents would come home shocked that their kids cleaned their rooms, all the while my mind obsessed over the corner of the closet I couldn’t get to, or the pile under the bed we ran out of time for. It was long and terrible. But hey, the kids had a great time and the parents seemed thrilled. Too bad for me. 

All this being said, I never sought help. Actually, I never knew that I had OCD. Sure people would tell me “oh Ashley, that’s just you being OCD” or “you’re so OCD” but I never thought they were serious. OCD is for crazy people, right? I don’t wash my hands 100 times a day and horde things, so clearly I am an oddball freak and this is a personality quirk. Right? I mean, sure I cleaned every day and my husband noticed but thought it was a personality quirk but nothing more. True, I checked and rechecked and triple (or more in all honesty) websites through my pregnancy to ensure I wasn’t having a miscarriage, or wasn’t going to die. Doesn’t everybody?

After Owen was born, the chronic depression that I had dealt with throughout my life came back deeper and darker than ever before. I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression and began to seek help through a psychiatrist, psychologist and anti-depressants (after spending 4 months refusing help until it got so bad that I finally consented to those around me pleading for my safety and health and admitted I needed serious help). I expected help for the depression, I never expected it for OCD. 

When I had my first psychiatric evaluation, I brought up my fears, my cleaning, my organizing and my broken record thoughts. After a few more questions, my psychiatrist said: “sounds like you have OCD”. What? No. Really? No one in my life seemed surprised when I told them though. The more I started opening up about what was going through my head, the more I seemed to check of boxes of OCD right and left.  The need for a clean and organized house went from a difficult personality quirk to what it truly was: intense anxiety mitigated the only way I knew how - through cleaning. No matter the time, no matter the level of exhaustion, no matter if it was supposed to be Date Night or family time. I cleaned. It had to be “just right”.

So now what? I don’t know. As the depression starts to lift (oh, praise you Jesus), it feels as though the OCD has once again become more oppressive. Or maybe I’m just starting to realize what feels horrific but normal to me isn’t how I have to live. Isn’t how others live. Things are on the road to me being able to manage this disorder, but nowhere near finished yet. In all honesty, I’ve taken nearly a dozen online surveys as to whether or not I have OCD in the past few days alone. All of which said I most likely do. All of which have been confirmed by both my doctors weeks ago. All of which I’ve taken before with the same answers. Several times each. 

I write and share this for three reasons. The first of which is I just feel strongly compelled to write it, and I enjoy writing so why not. The second is that I desperately want people to know what OCD is and what it is not. I want them to realize that you can’t just say “get over it” or “where’s your sin in this?” and someone with OCD will stop. If we could stop that easily, we would. Oh my, we would. 

The last of my reasons, and not in the order of importance, is that if me sharing can encourage even one person to seek help and treatment for their OCD, it would be awesome. I’ve struggled with this for nearly all of my life, as have other people close to me, and waiting 20+ years for help is far too long. My psychologist put it this way: you wouldn’t feel ashamed or stupid if you had asthma, but would want treatment and help to manage it. Having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is the same. You don’t ask for it, you didn’t do something to get it, and you’ll have it your entire life (aside from God’s hand moving in a miraculous way), why shy away from treatment and help to get better?  

Please don’t let your feelings of shame or fear or playing down of what you go through stop you from getting help. I don’t say this from someone who is perfect now, but from someone who could barely drive home tonight because the thoughts of all that “needed” to be cleaned caused such anxiety that counting “1,2,3,1,2,3,4” and tapping it on my steering wheel was the most logical way my OCD mind found to manage the screaming in my brain. 

Please dear one. God has so much more for you, for us. This isn’t how he intended our brains to work, and although it feels hopeless now (for you and for me), I trust that the God who spoke the world into being can help us manage OCD. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years, but he can and I do believe he will. You are so, so not alone.