Answering the Questions

There have been a good number of, let's just say it - sudden, changes for me recently. It's been a hard but good season, and while I want to just say "peace out y'all" and log off, I know that would literally be running away from what is going on in my heart, so I figured that the only thing I really knew how to do would be to write about it.

This feels so good. 

It's been so long since I've sat down to this blog screen and started typing, started letting my thoughts and my fingers take me down the page and out of my heart and onto a screen and somehow that makes it feel more doable, more real. 

I was reading through my past blog posts the other day, and realized over the past year there has been some pretty massive change in my life. Last year at this time, we were excitedly living smack in the middle of the U-District, praying through what it would look like to actually be missionaries there, and praying for doors to open to moving to LA to help with a friend's church plant, or to India to live as missionaries. We wanted to be "all in" so we sold our only car and took the bus or walked everywhere, getting to know the homeless around the area and having dinner with them. (I say this not to boast, but to just give a picture of how different things have been). 

Then I got sick. Really sick. 

In short, my body couldn't handle the sheer amount of mold that I was being exposed to and went into shut down in some ways. We canceled our idea (which to be so honest was actually what we thought the Lord was calling us to do) to move to Birmingham, AL in August to be a part of The Church at Brook Hills, and begrudgingly bought a car. We hastily moved out of our beloved (but deteriorating) home we were renting, and found an incredibly awesome place to live about 10 minutes from where we were. I got better, and I started Noonday.

Oh, and during the course of that time, we left our church, the most brutally painful and utterly devastating thing that has ever happened to us in our short marriage (but that will be another post later...).

I felt totally alone. 

Being so sick that I couldn't even take care of Owen for nearly 4 months left me alone. I mean, I guess it happens when you can't make playdates or coffee dates or anything, the invites just sort of stop because they know you can't make it. But I ached for friends. Leaving our church was like ripping away literally everything and everyone we had built our lives around, and so I wanting community, wanted friendship so badly. 

I found it in Noonday. 

The second I logged onto the Noonday Ambassador Facebook group, I felt instantly welcomed, instantly a part of this incredible community made up of women around the country who loved social justice, hope, redemption, adoption, and Noonday. I got more "likes" on my posts than I ever dreamed possible, and I felt immediately free to be completely open and honest with any and all of them. I posted about my sinful lust for more sales so that I could be one of "those" top sellers that I wanted to be, but wasn't. I posted about my fear of flying to a conference I couldn't afford to attend, and probably wouldn't. I posted about insane grace from trunk shows hosted by friends that had $42 in sales, but that opened my eyes to how much I adored the women I was meeting and reconnecting with. 

I feel like I was on that page all the time. Probably because I was. My sweet husband started pointing this out to me, and I bristled and roared. I was a free woman, thank you. I am a working woman, and I can do what I need to do for my business, thank you. I became even more attached to my phone and laptop, even more so than I have been leading up to Noonday and while I listened to trainings about how to set aside time for Noonday so it wouldn't interfere with family I couldn't get it straight. 

Every minute of every day was work for me. I answered customers emails immediately, even on date night. I checked the sample sale page when I saw a notification buzz, even during dinner. I read posts and checked FAQs and randomly scrolled all the time. But I felt empowered. And known. And accepted. And worth something.

I could write a hundred more pages, but there's really no need. I could talk about how amazing it was to meet 300 women who I had only "seen" online before at conference less than two weeks ago. How I was overwhelmed with how many ladies came up to me and said: "you're Ashley Titus!! I wanted to meet you!!" and how I ran out of the dance party the last night sobbing and sat in a bathroom stall with mascara streaming down my face because I had flashbacks to high school and an anxiety attack when I wanted to dance but stood there in extreme fear without knowing what to do next. I could talk about how I came back to Seattle recharged and super excited for the upcoming Spring season and how I talked to my husband non stop about what samples I was going to invest in and why and which ladies I thought would be insanely awesome at hosting a trunk show and how I wanted to know my hostesses better so what I would be changing to love on them instead of "coach" them as I had in the past. 

But none of that really matters. What matters is that while Andrew and I were given Owen his bath on Wednesday night he turned to me and asked if I would take the next day as a fast of sorts and seek the Lord before buying samples and new displays. 

To say that I bristled would be an understatement. I full on freaked out.

I was harsh and mean and angry and pointedly asked him if he was telling me backhandedly that I should quit. Typical of Andrew (which, anyone who knows him will attest to), he calmly said no, and that he wanted me to do with Noonday and the Spring Line what he wanted me to do with every part of my life - seek the Lord. He reminded me that if I didn't purchase the bundle the moment it was posted, life would still go on and I yelled. I was so pissed that he would be telling me to calm down and pray. How dare he? 

Typing this sucks. I know my husband, and I know his heart for me. I know that above all else he wants me to walk with Jesus and submit everything to the Lord who loves me and wants good for me, even when it isn't the good I wanted, or wrote down in my planner. I know that Andrew knew me so well that he could see me sitting in the whirling of my mind and of samples and of launch shows and of Noonday conference "high" and wanted me to take it all to Jesus and have peace and clarity as I walked into the Spring season, so that I could work to His glory, and not burn out through my own strength. I know all this. 

But the Lord had to stop me and show me. And oh did He.

As Andrew and I talked about that topic once Owen was asleep, I began to run away from the thought that was becoming bigger and more pronounced in my mind - the thought "I'm not supposed to order a bundle. Because I'm not supposed to continue Noonday". I pushed it down without even speaking it aloud and argued back to myself that I would just order the samples and become better at time management and it would be ok, give me just one more season to make it work, I only have been doing this a few months, how would it be right to stop now? But as the conversation went on, the Lord was sweet in His conviction and clear in His words - stop. Stop.

So I uttered them aloud to the shock of my husband. "I'm not supposed to do Noonday anymore". We sat there and I started sobbing, and while he tried to convince me that I didn't need to make such a big decision that very moment, I can't tell you how specifically it felt as though the Lord was confirming that very idea. I really was supposed to quit. 

So I did, and I am. 

Even thought it sucks, I have such a peace about it, and know that without a shadow of a doubt, this is where the Lord is calling me. I'm not sure what lays ahead for me, but I do know that when I told Owen mama wouldn't be working anymore he smiled and said "now mama play me!!" and I smiled and said "yes" joyfully. I know I will meal plan more (ok, let's be honest, I'll actually meal plan) which I love doing surprisingly enough and haven't done in months. And I want to blog again. And just be open to wherever the Lord calls me, however that looks.

And the plugging from social media thing? I'm addicted. Plain and simple. If I told you I was addicted to alcohol you'd immediately advise me to stop drinking and going to bars, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop posting and looking at posts. Social media isn't bad. Just like working for Noonday isn't bad. In fact, they are both things that have a ton of good in and because of them. But for me, being on Facebook and Instagram is a sin. I've always known it, and I've pretended that I didn't because I am so scared of loosing out, of missing out, of being alone. But I want to trust the Lord that even when I feel alone, I won't be. That when I feel like I have to check my phone because I'm slightly bored or slightly anxious, or that's just when the pathways in my brain say I'm supposed to look at my phone, that I can actually not. 

I'm not sure when I'll plug back in. But honestly? I hope I either never do. Or at the very least, that when I do again I can do it for the right reasons, and not for numbing out, distracting myself, comparing myself, gossiping, coveting, or sinning. I know it's possible, but right now it's not where I am.

Anyhow, props for whoever is actually still reading this insanely long post :) I am excited to just BE and be present and hopefully not distracted enough that the still quiet voice of the Lord is loud enough to hear clearly. I'm scared but I'm excited. I'm wanting to walk closer with Jesus, what should I fear??