U-District Mission: January Update

So much has happened since November when I first wrote about our family taking up the call to be all-in and on mission to the University District. What was initially filled with passion and exuberance was met with daily struggles to see the hope of what God can do here, and a battle minute by minute to not hide away from the pain and suffering around us but willingly walk straight into the thick of it.

That being said, God has worked so much these last few weeks! Things that we never, EVER thought would happen actually did, and connections we only thought about making are actually real rather than theory. 

Here's what has been happening:

Happily trekking to Trader Joe's with "Giraffey" and Daddy.

Goodbye Car!

After much praying and increasing mechanic bills, Andrew and I decided to sell our car. This means that we bus and walk everywhere. While it sounds crazy, living in the UD makes it quite simple to be car-less. We live within a couple of blocks of dozens of bus lines, grocery stores, pharmacies and incredible restaurants. When we need a car, there have been families who have generously given us theirs to use for the day, and Zipcar is always another option.

I have learned a great deal about my entitlement and pride through going car-less. I like my schedule to stay what I have planned, and bussing does not allow for this. Instead of knowing exactly how my day will look, I have to be flexible - busses are early and missed and that's how it goes. I also am learning how scared I am of how people will view me through how Owen behaves on the bus rides. My pride wants to think that I have a perfect child who sleeps on the bus rides and plays quietly on my nap when he is awake. Reality is that my precious toddler is a toddler. He wants to move around and see people and isn't always wanting to remain quiet. This will take a while for me, but I know that God is molding my heart to only desire His will and the best for Owen, even when that means my pride is shattered and I receive disapproving looks from fellow passengers.

Awesome Indian food at Shalimar for a Date Night on the Ave. 

Community Group

We switched community groups around Thanksgiving, and God has grown that community in these couple of months more than I ever thought possible. We adored the old group we were a part of, and it was painful to leave such a godly group of people. Our new group though is an easy walk or bus ride from our house, and is led by a couple who have also made the UD their home and mission field. Being able to open up once again and be vulnerable with the women of the group has been a challenge, but has been met with love and support which I am so grateful for. We also are so excited to be able to serve together at the UD YMCA every other month. This opportunity gives us the chance to interact personally with youth in the area who are homeless and struggling, and not only give them food, but a friendly interaction and, I pray, hope. I am so looking forward to March when we serve again, and it has been such an awesome thing to see the youth we served around the UD and make connections while just doing life.

U-District Library

The UD branch of the Seattle Public Library system is just a couple of steps away from our house, and we have started to take advantage of this more and more over the last month. I joined their monthly book club and our first meeting was this Monday - I was not only one of the youngest people there, but very obviously the one who has the least knowledge of discussing classic works of fiction! It showed me that I have a lot to learn, and the diversity of the participants is exactly what I was hoping for - I really need out of my little bubble, and this makes it happen. Andrew and I have also started taking Owen to the preschool pajama story time on Tuesdays. He adores the children's librarian and is even beginning to get more comfortable playing along with others - not just sitting within arms reach of us.

Owen colored a mitten for the display! (his is bottom right)

Neighbors

One of the frequently overlooked gems in the U-District is the park on 50th. When we first moved into the UD, I swore that I would never take Owen to that park, I thought it was "sketchy" and gross. While it is sometimes less-than-ideal, it is also a great way that we have interacted with some of the other families living in the area. Owen has taken to wanting to swing and slide down the slide, and often points and grunts at the park when we walk past it.

Another way that we have been interacting and trying to build better connections and relationships with our neighbors is through actually stopping to talk with some of the homeless who live around us. One gentleman in particular has been placed on Andrew's and my heart and we are excited to learn more about him and his story, and hopefully be able to love and serve him well.

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Needless to say, God has been moving in our hearts and lives and daily routines here in the Titus Homestead. I wish that I could talk more about the individual interactions and lessons I am learning, but for the sake of time, I will try to condense everything into a once-monthly update. I will also be posting pictures and quick prayer requests and praises throughout the month, so look for them as well!

Here are some ways you can be praying for us this month:

On one of our bus riding adventures. 

For connections at the pajama story time - it's not common to be in a room with just UD families outside of church, and we would love to be able to get to know the parents who call the UD home, or at least desire to bring their kiddos to the UD library for this story time. 

For opportunities in the RNA - this month we are joining the Roosevelt Neighborhood Alliance which is a group of neighbors in our area who care passionately for the neighborhood and work alongside the city doing various advocacy work and volunteer opportunities. Andrew would love to get more involved with things like zoning and building development planning, so this would be the place to start for sure.

For continued favor with bussing - Owen and I use the bus quite frequently now, and it is tricky but totally doable and sometimes quite fun. Prayers that we would continue to enjoy our bus rides and that somehow I can make connections with those on the buses we take on a regular basis would be awesome. It's so hard to talk through iPods and headphones, but having toddler who wants to play peek-a-boo does help :) 

Until next post,

Sola Dei Gloria 

  

OCD: Just a "Light and Momentary Affliction"?

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison...       

2 Corinthians 4:17 (ESV)

It's been nearly a year since I was officially diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (read my blog on it here) and while so much has changed, many things (painfully) have remained the same. I have a better handle on my medication now which allows me to live free from the constant grip of suicidal depression, but I still struggle each day with compulsions and obsessions and fear. I have been able to do things other than clean during Owen's nap times, although I still clean so much that often I hurt my back and end up being, lovingly, forced to bed early by a caring and deeply saddened husband. There have been nights when I have been able to leave dishes unwashed and laundry scattered across the kitchen, though these nights are few and generally littered with anxiety that causes me to repeat "what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?" to Andrew while I tremble and shake to sleep. 

And yet...

It is clear in the passage from 2 Corinthians: my battle with OCD is a light momentary affliction.

Really?

Light momentary affliction...

It can't be. There is no way that OCD or cancer or death or shattered marriages or pain is merely a light momentary affliction. How can I worship a God who thinks the heart wrenching pain of this life is merely light momentary affliction? But what if it is my perception of suffering that is incorrect and not God's? What if this passage is not using the words light and momentary to describe our afflictions in a "oh you're being a baby, it's not that bad" tone, but rather to point to the second half of the verse? You know, the "preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" part? 

And my mind shifts and my heart softens and I let myself collapse into the arms of my Savior. 

In no way is God telling me that I need to feel like my afflictions, my anxiety and OCD and fear, are of no importance to him. That I am just being a baby for thinking they are, indeed, painful afflictions. No, I believe the same God who bore the weight of the sin and pain and corruption of the world while nailed to a tree knows fully that the heart can be weighed down in this life. 

Ann Voskamp beautifully describes it in her book One Thousand Gifts -

"...the Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know. I know.' The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain."

Perhaps 2 Corinthians 4:17 actually doesn't negate the pain of afflictions at all. Instead, God shows us tenderly that no matter the weight of the pain we are walking through now, the weight of his glory is beyond all comparison. An image of an old fashioned scale comes to my mind, in which even a incredibly heavy object is made light when an even heavier object is placed on the other scale. The first object has not lost weight with the addition of the second, it is still incredibly heavy. Our afflictions are still painful and weighty. It is just that the eternal weight of glory is oh, so much more. So much more in fact, that the afflictions are deemed light in comparison. 

God isn't calling me to buck up, fake it until I make it, and call my OCD "not a big deal". God is lovingly lifting my gaze to himself and reminding me that as difficult as my afflictions are, they are preparing me for more glory than my fallen heart can imagine. An eternal weight of glory that is beyond all comparison in fact. 

Pink Underlines in Old Testament Books

I have wanted to post on this for so long, and yet so many less important things have gotten in the way. I suppose that partially I don't even begin to assume I know my Old Testament well enough to actually write about it, and to be honest, I feel like I should know it far better than I do after 20-some-years of walking with Jesus. This fact alone causes me to second guess whatever I have thought about writing, and continuously makes me wonder if I am going to post something heretical or wrong, or just plain confusing. 

But then I realized that the only thing I really want to share is how God is giving me such a thirst for the Old Testament. A thirst that I have only longed for and prayed for for what feels like forever. I have had so many attempts at reading the entire Bible. Sometimes I am able to get rather far, while other times I stop in March with a list of three weeks worth of passages I'm already behind in. Even in those "successful" times of reading through the Bible, I have honestly skimmed over so many parts of the Old Testament. I mean, at some point doesn't everyone get sick of Numbers? Doesn't it make sense to scan Levitical codes, since they are so outdated anyway?

It does make sense. But we worship a God who doesn't always "make sense". Paul puts it in no uncertain terms in 1 Corinthians 3:19a "For the wisdom of this world is folly with God". While I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that God's knowledge and power and wisdom is so much more incredible than I can ever have words to describe, I also find myself often too easily satisfied. I glance through my reading plan passage in, for example, 2 Kings, and find myself confused by the Kings of Israel versus Judah and simply move on. I check the box of reading my daily portion, pat myself on the back, and read something actually relevant, like a psalm or a letter of Paul's. 

This is how my Bible reading has been nearly all of my life until recently. Granted, there are still days when it continues to be like that, but God has transformed my heart so radically during these past few months. I am actually enjoying the Old Testament. I drank up Leviticus. I poured over 1 Kings. Seriously. As in, "yes I know this is where my reading plan says I stop for today, but I just have to know what happens next...". Let me stop here. This is not at all any of my doing. Nope. On my own I am prideful and arrogant and if something doesn't immediately resonate with me or seem compelling I will scoff at it and pay no attention to it. On my own, I could care less about who killed which King of Israel or what Syria did to which King of Judah. 

It would make no sense for me to be so excited about any of this. But, again, God's ways do not always make sense, do they. I've been reading this chronological reading plan, and God has worked so mightily through it. I don't go by the dates, but use it as a guide to walk through the Bible during my devotional time each day. That way my pride doesn't become stroked when I am "on track" or despair doesn't creep in when I am "behind". I just get to sit and enjoy learning more about the character of God through the kings of Judah and Israel, the Levitical priesthood codes, and his covenantal people of Israel. 

I would so encourage anyone to actually pray for God to use the Old Testament to reveal more of himself and his character to you as you read it. I felt so silly for so long wondering why I didn't like the Old Testament, and yet never believed that God desires me to adore him and be filled with awe towards him - so many times he answers this prayer through his Word itself. I am excited to step out in boldness and share with you what the Lord is highlighting in my heart through the Old Testament in the coming weeks and months, and can't wait to hear how he uses his Word to captivate your heart as well! 

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria  

12 Months 12 Books: The #2014reads Project

I have always adored reading. I used to devour books, barely able to stop myself to do other homework or chores. I poured over the Ramona books, got caught up in the magic of the Harry Potter series, and have found no greater comfort or hope than in the Word of God in the Bible. 

This all being said... I have stopped reading pretty much anything other than my Bible since Owen was born, and I really don't want that trend to continue. I realized that I tend to enjoy things more when I have a plan and have friends around me joining in, so I am trying something new: The #2014reads Project.

Throughout this year, I will be reading and reviewing one book a month (I hope) and will be posting quotes from the book which particularly stand out to me throughout the month on Twitter (follow me: @livingliketitus).

Here's where you come in - I would love for you to join me! Read the book of the month along with me and post your favorite quotes either here in the comments section of the blog, or on Twitter using the #2014reads hashtag.


Here are the books for 2014:

January - One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
February - Crazy Love by Francis Chan
March - Lit! by Tony Reinke
April - Rid of My Disgrace by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb
May - Radical by David Platt
June - Marriage Matters by Winston T. Smith
July - Shadow of the Almighty by Elisabeth Elliot
August - On Being a Theologian of the Cross by Gerhard Forde
September - Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp
October - The God Who is There by D.A. Carson
November - Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest by Edward Welch
December - Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick

I'm so excited to read along with you this year!

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria 

Why I am Not Making a New Year's Resolution.

It is the first week in January and I do not have a New Year's resolution yet.

In fact, I won't have one.

Because I'm not making one. Why? Honestly, it would be more hurtful than helpful for several reasons. 

As most of you know, I have struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for the majority of my life (read my blog on this here) and one of the ways it manifests for me is through list-making. I want to know what "needs" to be done, what I "have to" do, and exactly which steps to take to make sure that everything will go okay. If things don't go as I have written them out to go, then who knows what terrible, horrific thing may happen (or so my brain thinks...). While this is very much a part of my mental disorder of OCD, it is also a sinful rut I struggle to walk through each day. For me, resolutions give me a brief release from the anxiety but in the end add more anxiety, worry, and guilt to my already chaotic mind. 

I've made resolutions in the past. Probably every year I can remember in fact. Like almost everyone who makes them, I start off great - so full of confidence and ambition and zeal - then crash and burn. The burn is terrible, and it's a slow ember which takes a long time to completely fade away. Making a resolution, especially when I write it down or tell others about it, and then failing to keep it seems to fuel the lies of failure, worthless, and stupid I battle against already. I don't know about you, but I don't really care to open myself up to more lies and condemnation than that which already floods my heart and mind. If I I know walking down a resolution-making process is most likely going to end in pain, it's not something that really beckons me to continue down that road. 

The biggest reason that I am making a conscious effort to not make a New Year's resolution this year though, is because of Jesus. No, Jesus does not say we are not to make resolutions. There is not a place in scripture that says partaking in this cultural tradition fuels the wrath of God. Not even close. I do know however, that in my attempts to make and keep resolutions in the past I have neglected the incredibly massive fact that I cannot change myself. No matter how many post-it notes I put up with positive affirmations around my house, no matter how many friends I have holding me accountable with scheduled check-in phone calls, will power only lasts so long. I can't change myself. I just can't.

But praise the Lord that my Savior is the one who changes hearts, redeems lives, and molds weary, sinful minds into his image and likeness one day at a time. 

So this year, I want to start the year face down. Not because I have crashed my resolutions already by week one, but because I simply cannot start anything apart from falling at the feet of my Lord and Savior. I have tried year after year to change bad habits, start good habits, and hide failures on my own strength, and frankly, it has slowly killed me. I don't want to count on my spastic bouts of will power, but on the One who spoke the stars into existence. I don't want to make a list of all of the bad things about my character and next to them write what I want to be by 2015, like some job description I will never be qualified for.

I want to be transformed by Jesus.

I want to know my Lord better. Not by my great quiet time practices, or my church attendance, or my monthly giving amount. I want to know Him better through getting to know Him, just as I would a dear friend.

I want to actually, functionally, radically believe the Gospel. Not just being able to check a box that says "Christian", but believing so deeply that Jesus died for my sins and rose for my salvation that it transforms absolutely every single inch of my heart and mind and life. And I don't want to keep that knowledge inside any longer.

All of this is great, but I can't do any of it. Only God can. And that takes so much pressure off of me to preform a certain way, to change a certain amount, and to live a certain lifestyle.

I just to get to be me. Ashley Titus. Running after my sweet Jesus by the strength of his mercy on legs which were once bound and shackled and now are redeemed and renewed.

Happy 2014

Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria