On Monday Andrew and I were thrilled to be able to finally find out the gender of our baby Titus! It felt like forever since we had found out we were pregnant, and we couldn't wait to know more. The day I took the pregnancy test was rough (long story of me doubting whether or not I was correct in reading it, and if I was going to celebrate something that "didn't exist" but even bigger sin of not believing that God would want to give us a gift of a child...) and we ended up trying to have a celebration dinner, but doing a lot of praying and crying (that was me) and encouraging (that was Andrew).
Needless to say, we planned on having a small dinner out - just the two of us - right after we finished with the ultrasound. Finally I can celebrate I thought. It would be perfect, why wouldn't it be?
I was nervous and super excited going into the ultrasound, and kept being absolutely amazed at how this small child of ours was moving around, and now I could actually feel the movements I was seeing on the screen! Everything was looking perfect, baby was healthy and growing well. The ultrasound tech moved over an area of baby's liver and stopped, pausing briefly to take a few screen shots of the picture. I couldn't help but think to myself that there was a random bright white dot that looked terribly out of place. As the tech didn't say anything about it, I dismissed my fears and continued being excited.
After the ultrasound was complete - the tech brought in the radiologist who, to my confusion and fear, looked immediately back to the spot on my baby's liver. She poked around a bit, and said that it most likely was nothing, but that it was up to my doctor whether or not she would want further ultrasounds to determine what it was.
I panicked. Every single fear and unbelief I had about God not giving a good gift, about things going right only for God to pull the rug out from beneath me, about never celebrating or being joyously hopeful about something before it was actually there and complete came washing over me yet again. I tried to be ok, but feared the worst immediately. Andrew was concerned, but knew without a doubt how trustworthy God was and that he trusted Jesus with our baby and his/her health. We walked to a small area outside the hospital to open our gender-reveal envelope and Andrew prayed for me and baby. I knew that it would be ok but completely let myself go down the rabbit holes of fear and forgot the goodness of my Savior. That he was in control, and loved me enough to die for me, and already loved my unborn child as he knitted that baby together in my womb.
Needless to say, the dinner wasn't the one filled with tears of joy and laugher we had pictured. Both of us were thrilled to find out we were having a baby boy, but I was stuck in the unknown. I regretted staying there, but stayed there nonetheless. I am daily reminded of how good God is through my amazing husband, but Andrew was again used by God in such a great way that evening - he pointed me back to the truth of God, Jesus's love for me and our baby, and the truth that it was completely out of our control either way.
Talking with my doctor Wednesday, she assured me that it was most likely no big deal and told me she really didn't want me to be worried at all about it. The coolest thing though, was that while her tone and confidence in baby's health was helpful, God had walked me through a day and a half of fear and lead me time and time again to truth and comfort. I poured over Psalm 139 and 1 Samuel 1 and 2 -- crying and pleading with God to comfort me, and to forgive me for assuming the worst, even when it was most likely nothing at all. For doubting his goodness and his love for me, and for playing "god" as I determined my fears were the future in no regard to God's true plans.
We have another ultrasound scheduled for the beginning of September, just to see if whatever it was goes away (as apparently most things do). My genetic screening tests were awesome earlier, and it seems as though my doctor isn't too worried. It is so interesting to me though that the littlest of things can catapult me to the most extreme fear and worry. What a difficult but oh so worth it lesson in standing at the foot of the cross and surrendering my plan and child completely to Jesus.
_________________
Why Owen Ray though?
Andrew and I had thought about names for months, but had not come to a consensus on a boy's name until about a month ago. We knew we wanted something biblical - a strong name of a man who was after God's heart and lived his life for God's glory (as much as a sinner can...). We came up with plenty of names, but nothing really seemed right. Then, as God was revealing some pretty deep sin in my heart, I began to read the book "The Mortification of Sin in Believers" by John Owen. For some reason, the name Owen stood out and I adored it. Apparently so did Andrew :) Owen was a English theologian during the 1600s who loved the Lord and had some pretty legit theology. Who knows what God has in store for our Owen's life, but I can't wait to talk about why he has his name, and have nerdy theology discussions with him and his Dad for fun :)
The name Ray is special for two reasons - both my Dad and Andrew's maternal Grandfather are/were named Ray. I had always wanted to name a son after my dad, and it was a total blessing to be able to have men on both of the sides honored with our son's middle name.
Our little Owen Ray is already so dear to us and loved immensely. I love seeing Andrew talk with him and read to him every night, and I am constantly reminded of miracles when I feel him moving around inside of me. I am still in awe of what God is doing in our little family, and can't wait to share with Owen how much he was prayed for and loved even before he drew his first breath.
"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." 1 Samuel 1:27
Worry kills. Grace and I had two scares like that - first when we found out Grace was pregnant with Allie, they thought she might have an ectopic (non-viable for the baby, dangerous for the mom) pregnancy. Then later in the pregnancy, an ultrasound revealed a shortened colon which could be a myriad of things from Down's to Krone's disease which runs in my family. (Tests say it's not Down's but they aren't sure past that.) The first time I don't think I slept more than 12-15 hours that entire week while waiting for the test results. I can't say for sure that Owen will be OK - I don't know that for sure. It probably won't be a big deal - ultrasounds are iffy at best - but that's not nearly as comforting as Jesus. I can affirm that Jesus is a good God and worthy of trust, not just with a surface level comfort (like a friend who just pats your back and says "there there") but who is actively and perfectly knitting all things together for his glory (Isa 43:6-7) and your good (Rom 8:28). One of the hardest lessons I've learned over the past 9 months is that I am only happy when I am in control and not Jesus - and I've been force-fed helplessness and a child-like reliance on Jesus as the author and perfecter of my life, Grace's life, and Allie's life. I don't know what Jesus is doing in your life but I do know he is calling to you, Andrew, and Owen.
ReplyDeleteGrace and I have you & your fam in our prayers continuously.