Out of all of the adjectives I would have used to describe myself, independent was never one I would have chosen. Passionate, old-fashioned, quirky - all yes, but independent? Not even close. Prideful? Probably, but not to a great extent.
Until this month.
Some people say that circumstances make you stronger. I disagree. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that the God who loved me enough to die for me uses any means necessary to draw me into a deeper relationship and sweeter knowledge of his grace and mercy. Even more, I know he is using my inability to be independent and my current back pain to show me his character in a way I only thought I knew before.
I was diagnosed with kyphosis and scoliosis in middle school, wore a brace for over a year, and have fought back pain since, but haven’t had pain this nearly debilitating since 2009. When I was first diagnosed I remember my doctors talking about how if I ever were to have children I could be in for a tremendous amount of pain, but as a 14 year old I could care less. Now as a 25 year old well into my second trimester of my first pregnancy, their concern makes a lot more sense.
To be honest, I could write a lot about the pain and discomfort which happens when my back is like it has been. I could write about not being able to drive the 15 minutes to my doctor’s office without wincing, or how I had to lay down on the bathroom floor last week after cleaning for a half hour, because I knew the pain was bad enough I had to stop, NOW. But really, the pain isn’t what has most characterized these past few weeks. It’s there, and difficult yes, but what God has been teaching me through the pain is vastly more important.
So far, I have learned that I am much more like the Galatians than I ever would have cared to admit. In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he makes the case strongly and passionately that Jesus’s work on the cross is all that is needed for salvation, and that if we are to add ANY work (whether that be following the Jewish laws like circumcision for the Galatians, or me adding my various roles and titles of ministry at Mars Hill, or a clean house and dinner made for Andrew) to the cross in attempts to earn favor with God or a more right standing before him, makes Jesus a joke the cross absolutely worthless.
Whether I could see my sin or not before my back pain began again this month, God has been showing me that I have attempted to justify myself apart from only believing the cross for so many years. My fears of being lazy around the house if I don’t have it perfect by the time my husband comes home from work, and my dread of him having to make dinner or help me run my errands like grocery shopping only were the tip of the problem. What it comes down to really, is not believing that Jesus is enough for me. That I can do it on my own, and that I need to be perfect to be a good wife, or a good follower of Jesus. I so badly wanted to fulfill my role as a wife, that I forgot the most important part was to adore Jesus with every ounce of my being. As for ministry, I worried that backing down from roles because of the pain would be seen as a cop out, and laziness as well. That instead of grace, those around me would see my weakness as failure and a lack of love of Jesus. I so deeply wanted those around me to know the redemption that God has for them, that I pushed through pain that should have shown me I needed to rest, in order to maintain the level of discipleship and ministry was doing.
How incredibly wrong and sinful I have been. How much unbelief? The greatest thing is though, that even if I was blind to all of this, God never was. And never for a moment would he leave me sitting in this mess of lies and doubt and “Jesus + my works = justification and righteousness”. No, the God I love is such an incredible God that he would use anything to get my attention. C.S. Lewis has a quote which says: “pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
Without question God has used this pain to show me his love and patience with my sin. The idea of “sitting around” all day terrifies me. I want to do something, and serve, and love my husband well. But yet, the ways I have been prior to now are not the ways God is asking me to walk in during this season. This means a ridiculous amount of my independence and pride needs to die. The fear which stops me from taking up offers from friends to help me clean, and go grocery shopping for me needs to be laid at the foot of the cross and repented of. The pride which is mortified at the thought of a friend seeing how dirty my bathroom really is needs to come before Jesus and see him as so much mightier. The feeling of uselessness which is spurred on by greeting my husband as I lie on an ice pack on the couch when he gets home, rather than putting dinner on the table in a perfectly clean house, must trust in my Savior’s total and complete work on the cross and not in my picture of an ‘ideal wife’.
Funny. When I found out I was pregnant I began praying for many things, but the one on repeat (along with Baby Titus coming to full term as a healthy baby who loves Jesus even from my womb...) has been that God would bring me to a place where I could not even fathom spending a day without being in his Word, or praying. That even during the chaos which is motherhood, I would know without a doubt that I could not make it through one day, one hour, one moment without my Savior. God seems to be answering this. Not quite in the way I was anticipating, but in a way far more deep than I pictured.
Yes, I am praying for God to supernaturally take my back pain away. Or that he would work through the physical therapy (I start with a more specialized therapist this coming week actually, as my former therapist could do “nothing more” to help stop the pain or progression). But ultimately, I am praying that God would draw me closer to him, and that I would lean on him like I never have before. That he would break me where I need to be broken, and mold me into the woman, wife, and future mother he desires me to be. It’s not an easy season, but I know God is bigger. And I am extremely grateful for Jesus’s work on the cross, a husband who loves me enough to gently demand I rest and lay down, and a community and church which are meeting needs I never knew I had.
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