Lately, I've been comparing myself to that girl, and have been buying into the lie that because I was her I still am her.
But, I'm not.
In light of more tests coming back normal, and my OCD running completely wild within my mind and manifesting in more circular journaling and begs for reassurance, I have begun to assume I am no different than how I was in elementary school.
For those of you who don't know me all that long, let me give you a quick window into why this is such a struggle for me...
When I was in elementary school, I was the teacher's pet (still kind of am, let's just face it), the over-achiever (yup, still me), the perfectionist (guilty), and the hypochondriac (enter my current battle). I literally went to the nurse's office so frequently, I was well known by the office staff, and when I entered 4th grade was told by my teacher that she had "heard of me" and when I had her again the following year she said that I would "owe her big bucks" for all of the times she let me go to the nurse's office. I was constantly feigning injury, sickness, dizziness, and blindness (no, seriously. I don't even want to know the small fortune I wracked up for my parents as they took me to eye doctor after eye doctor all the while I was faking being blind because I was jealous of a friend who had a wheelchair and crutches for a busted up knee. Once again, Mom and Dad, I am so sorry...).
I still have no idea why I wanted all of that attention, why I wanted to be sick and get out of school so badly, but I did. No one ever believed me, and by the end of elementary school I was pretty much the laughing stock of my class - I was that girl. The drama queen, the one who always had to have something massive wrong and moan and ache. That was Ashley Graeber.
Back to today. My doctor talked to me and said that most of the tests I had done yesterday for several new things came back normal. As I hung up the phone, I immediately wanted to just sit and cry. Although I was partially excited that nothing massive was being detected, I felt more and more like I had to be making this up, it must all be in my head.
So here I am right now. Desperately clinging to the truth that I am not Ashley Graeber who went to the Sunnydale Elementary School nurse's office several times a week. Praying again and again that God would give me the strength, both mentally and physically, to continue this road that he has me on for his glory and my ultimate good. Fighting against the desire to say eff this, and push myself past every single ounce of energy I have left, ignoring all pain and light headedness and go until I pass out and then have something to actually complain about.
I want to say that I am so at peace with all of this, but I'm struggling right now. I want to say that I've been saturated in the Word, and that I have been sitting at the feet of my Savior, but I have been avoiding talking to the Lord, and have no idea why. I so badly want to end this post saying that I feel so much better, and that the more I push myself, the more I realize I can do so much more than I have been doing, but that's a lie.
I am tired. I ache, literally, all over. I feel alone and like a freak and totally numb to the truth I want to cling to right now more than ever.
But. Even as I write this, the words to one of my favorite hymns is coming to mind. Just because I'm singing it in my head doesn't mean that I am going to put on a happy face and fake it until I make it because with God all things are possible. Not even close. But it does mean that even in this valley and long and heavy season of my life, I totally believe that God is sovereign. That he loves me. That he died for me. And that whatever this season is, it is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory that is beyond any affliction and suffering I am presently walking through. Even if that suffering includes fear that I am faking this all and then having to stop typing because my fingers and wrists and forearms hurt so bad I can't continue... Because I'm not Ashley Graeber. I am Ashley Titus, daughter of God, totally made new and redeemed.
Until next post,
Sola Dei Gloria
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